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Premiership Royal Rumble: Nilsson’s verdict

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Which self confessed football fan has never thought about which premiership manager would come out top dog in a WWF (back when it was good) style royal rumble? The answer should be none.

The image of Chris Coleman strutting towards the ref after Fulham lost to … with a facial expression akin to a Viking who had misplaced his drinking horn at the annual Valhalla ‘Free Mead Fest’; Wenger itching for a fight with both Pards and Jol on the touchline; Warnock mimicking a leg breaking challenge to inspire his players against Reading… all these incidents lead us to believe that managers are not always the epitome of calm. No, they are just animals in suits who can scrap with the best of them.

Here is the run down of my Top 8 based on my sterling judgement.

1. Martin Jol – Strong as an ox and oft compared with the ‘Thing’ from the Fantastic Four. He could take a barrage of punches and probably not feel a thing… then bear hug his opponents into slow, suffocating sleep.

2. Stuart Pearce – Close second. His deadly look could probably kill a hippo from 200 yards. They don’t call him ‘Psycho’ for nothing and if you want to pick a fight with this man, make sure you have three or four stocky buddies with you.

3. ‘Big’ Sam Allardyce – Biggest face in football, he may be in his fifties but his massive frame can still generate a fair bit of power. Let him belly flop you and your time in the ring is numbered. If that fails he will moan at the lack of recognition he gets and probably bore you into submission.

4. David Moyes – Has the eyes of a ruthless (albino and ginger) assassin. Wouldn’t think twice about giving you a Glasgow kiss if you look at him the wrong way. Looks like he has survived in a closet for the last 4 years fed solely on bread and water.

5. Mark Hughes – Sparky has a great head of white hair and looks impeccable in a suit. However, aim a punch at that chin and you will have lost 2 or 3 knuckles. When this man gets angry, he does so with a measured calm that would earmark him as a potential successor to Putin as Premier of Russia.

6. Chris Coleman – I would not like to be in the receiving end of a stream of Welsh invective from this man. His youthfulness gives him an edge over a lot of these middle aged managers, stamina and general health would see him last thus far.

7. Neil Warnock – Old and relegated, but wily nonetheless. Warnock would probably have a crow bar in his briefs and a truncheon up his ar*e which would be used to good effect. However, the rest of the mangers would be incensed by his foul play, overpower him, and send him out of the ring… just like Paul Jewell did in the last day of the season.

8. Paul Jewell – Been through the lower leagues and has a large physique that would stand him in good stead in this Royal Rumble. His agility would let him down as well as his lack of tactical knowledge would see him outsmarted by managers with a better CV. Scouse heritage would stand him in good stead.

posted by teedoubleyou


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